Over at her blog, Robin L. Rotham wrote about a dream, and it got me to thinking of the dream I had last night. Do you all have a first love that turned out tragically? Do you still dream about him sometimes at night when you’re asleep?
Miles was his name. Sounds like a “knight in shining armor,” doesn’t it? In high school, I thought he was one. He was best at sports, most popular, Homecoming King, had a great sense of humor, loved little kids — he was a big handsome hunk with a sensitive soul. I saw him reading CATCHER IN THE RYE, and I immediately ran out to get it, so he introduced me to Holden Caulfield. Everybody loved Miles, and I did most of all.
But it was so tragic. My sister was jealous, so she told him I didn’t like him. Hated him. That I’d said ugly things about him behind his back (which, of course, I never did). When he was looking for a girlfriend, my sister (who was dating his brother) set him up with her twit girlfriend, instead of me. He went on to marry this girl! They’re still married, as far as I know. I didn’t find out about this subterfuge until much later; but even if I’d known it at the time, I was much too shy to ever approach the Godlike Miles and tell him the truth.
My heart has never fully recovered — from the betrayal, the loss, the shame of him thinking the worst about me.
High school is long over (Thank God!). I now realize Miles wasn’t such a sensitive paragon, after all, or he would have chosen me — sister and subterfuge be damned! After all, Dh (bless his heart) would have none of it when my sister later tried to break us up.
Every once in a while, I still have dreams about Miles though. They come unbidden, out of the blue, like last night. I used to wake from these dreams, ashamed, horrified, and unutterably sad. But over the years, the dreams have changed. Now, when I dream about Miles, we’re happy at last. He finally understands. In last night’s dream, I can’t even remember what the details were, but we were bathed in a soft, warm glow together, and I woke up happy.
I don’t know what this means. Maybe I’ve matured and learned how to choose better dreams. Maybe, from a distance of years, I can see things in perspective. Maybe I’m a happier person than I was then. But it’s funny where our dreams take us.